Dear Citizens of Bricksburg,
I know you all believe that I’m nothing but an evil tyrant intent on destroying the LEGO universe. But if you would only get to know me, you’d understand that I’m just misunderstood.
Too often business is viewed as a profit-driven, emotionless monolith. I’m here to tell you that we care about social purpose and our people just as much as the bottom line. How many accidents have been prevented by AT&T’s It Can Wait campaign? How many billions of liters of water have been provided worldwide by P&G’s PUR filters? How would the Mighty Ducks have flown together without the sponsorship from Ducksworth, Saver & Gross?
It may surprise you, citizens, that I too like to do my part. To prove it, I’d like to directly address some of the myths about me.
I want to destroy the world. Of course I don’t want to destroy the world. Think about it for a minute. If there’s no world, there are no customers. If there are no customers, there’s no profit. And I have a fiduciary duty to my shareholders! I can’t afford to get sued in this tenuous economic climate.
I don’t care about Bricksburg. This one hurts me the most. I’ve developed an aggressive CSR program at Octan where we donate 20% of profits to LEGO My Eggo, a charity that provides breakfast to underserved children. In addition, Octan purchases all footwear for my robot militia from TOMS and protective eyewear for my Kragle factory workers from Warby Parker, ensuring that every time we buy a pair, someone in need gets one too.
My employees aren’t treated well. We offer competitive benefits at Octan. In fact, when the Essential Health Benefits requirements were published by the Obama Administration, we found that we were over and above in every category. We’re also a leader in corporate wellness. As part of our “Building Blocks for Health” program we’ve partnered with Taco Tuesday Guy to create the Octan Special, a whole wheat flax shell with ground turkey and low-fat cheese.
I’m not worried about the future of Bricksburg. The children are our future. No one believes that more than your old pal Lord Business. We have fallen behind as countries like Lincoln Logia and Tinker Toyland have excelled, particularly in the STEM fields. Octan has created a curriculum of free online courses for employee training, and also to help the students of Bricksburg schools with their math, science, and reading skills.
I’ve rigged elections. All right, this one is true. All I’ve ever wanted is for people to like me and as the maker of voting machines, I couldn’t resist the temptation. I thought if I could show popular support, you would think of me differently and want to be my friend.
My evil lair has an open door policy—seriously, I glued the door open with Kragle—and a killer guacamole happy hour on Fridays.
As of publication, the FreeEnterprise.com staff has not seen the Lego Movie and has taken substantial creative liberties. We fully anticipate the robot militia at our doorstep with a cease and desist letter from the actual Lord Business.